In Necessariis Unitas, In Dubiis Libertas, In Omnibus Caritas
Author UnknowN
Translation: “In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity”. It sounds so intelligent in Latin, doesn’t it? This phrase has been attributed to several authors, among them St. Augustine. Illustrious leaders, such as a Pope and a U.S. President, have used this principle to guide their missions. We first learned it at a friend’s wedding, during the father of the bride’s speech. As soon as we heard it, my husband and I looked at each other like two lit up light bulbs. Since then it has become one of the guiding principles in our marriage.
How do I understand this phrase? I have no doubt that minds greater than mine have written profoundly on the topic, but here is my humble take as it applies to marriage.
In Essentials, Unity
A married couple should be united in all areas which are foundational to the relationship. After all, marriage is the foundation of the family; it is the rock upon which all hopes will flourish and all hardships will be weathered. Therefore it is essential for husband and wife to be united in, well, the essentials. These include the indissolubility and primacy of marriage (aka marriage comes first), faith, a vision for welcoming and educating the children, sex, work-life balance and finances. This list may somewhat vary from couple to couple, but the point is that there needs to be some serious common ground and vision for a marriage to succeed.
In Non-Essentials, Liberty
Of course, not everything in marriage is foundational. Marriage comprises two different, unique and free individuals. And while it is true that “two become one”, my husband and I are very different persons. Opposites attract, right? I love to talk, to write, to bake, to read Jane Austen and to watch British chick flicks. I can’t drink, don’t know the first thing about computers and I hate running. My husband loves to program, to cook, to brew beer, and to run. He’s not a big talker. He loves to read but never Jane Austen. To be happily married, it is important to allow each other the freedom to do those activities that give us pleasure and refreshment. We should even encourage and support each other in our passions, even if it causes an inconvenience or effort on our part.
It’s also fine to disagree on non-essential matters. I will write a post on how to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, but suffice to say that disagreements and conflicts are part and parcel of any meaningful relationship. When we counsel couples as they prepare for marriage, we often remind them that marriage is an ongoing exercise in letting go. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Try to see things from the perspective of the other person, and respect his/her difference of opinion. Some hills are truly not worth dying on.
Also under this category are those quirky personality traits that used to be cute when you were dating but can become annoying after a while. As long as these behaviors do not negatively impact others, I say join Elsa and Let it Go. We’re all quirky. Sure, we can give friendly suggestions for improvements but it should all be done charitably. Which brings us to our last point.
In All Things, Charity
While many understand the word charity to mean helping those who are less fortunate than us, its latin word caritas encompasses so much more than that. Caritas means “to love the other”. To love, as in to will the good of the other; to want the best for the other. Marriage is an optimal place to put this into practice. In the Catholic faith, we understand that one of the purposes of marriage is to help your spouse to get to heaven, which is the ultimate good. This is half of the reason for marriage (the other purpose being the procreation and education of children).
What does this entail, in practical terms? Here are some examples of charitable behavior:
- Speak kindly to one another, even during disagreements
- Do small acts of kindness; from making the coffee in the morning to changing a diaper at 2am, the opportunities for acting kindly are endless
- Give each other grace and space during bad moods
- Always assume the best intentions
- Celebrate the successes and be lovingly patient during the struggles
- Learn his/her love language so you can fill up the love tank
- Sing his/her praises, especially in public, and most especially in front of the children
- Don’t embarrass or openly disagree with your spouse in front of others, and most especially the children
The list goes on and on. When you put your spouse first, assuming you didn’t marry a jerk (and I trust that you didn’t), he/she will put you first as well. When this happy feedback happens, goodwill, respect and affection grow in exponential ways across the years together.
In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity. I firmly believe that any couple who takes this principle to heart will have a loving, fulfilling marriage. I would love to hear from you in the comments below. How would you interpret this quote, and also, how would you apply it to your marriage?
