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Just like the Five Love Languages, I didn’t learn about the Four Temperaments until later into my marriage. But boy, an earlier understanding of them would have saved us some grief. Some years ago I attended a talk by Art and Laraine Bennett, the authors of The Temperament God Gave You. I purchased their book and the number of aha moments I had while reading it must have broken some world record.
What are the Temperaments?
Of course, the idea of the temperaments is nothing new. The earliest explanation is attributed to Hippocrates, the “father of medical science”, around 400 BC. He claimed that the body was made up of certain types of “fluids”, and that the imbalance of these fluids led to one of the four basic temperaments. He called them choleric, sanguine, melancholic and phlegmatic. The Bennetts define the temperaments as:
the sum of our natural preferences; it shapes our thoughts, ideas, impressions, and the way we tend to react to our environment and to other people. It is our predisposition to react in certain ways, hard-wired in us. It is not learned or acquired through contact with our environment. It is not a product of childhood trauma or repressed memories. In a word, it is “nature”, as distinguished from “nurture”.
Basically, temperaments are what we are born with. Here is a brief overview of each one:
Choleric “winning is everything”: enthusiastic, energetic, competitive, and strong-willed. They embody the stereotypical idea of a leader; they love to take charge and get things done. In their quest for success, they can be impatient and condescending. Empathy can be a tad low. Personal mantra: Eat or be eaten.
Melancholic “perfection is everything”: idealistic, contemplative, and compassionate. Melancholics love the notion of an ideal, such as truth, beauty, nobility or justice. They love to analyze and over-analyze, and may not start (or end) anything unless it’s perfect. They can be quite critical and pessimistic because nothing and nobody lives up to their ideals. Melancholics tend to have less energy and can suffer from low moods. Personal mantra: The truth shall set you free.
Sanguine “fun is everything”: fun-loving, people-loving, and life-loving, sanguines are the most lovable of the bunch. They thrive on meeting new people, experiencing new things, and going on adventures. A party is the natural habitat of a sanguine. They are optimistic as they live in the moment and find it easy to forgive and forget. On the flip side, they can be shallow and frivolous. As natural pleasers, they can also sacrifice their values to fit in. Personal mantra: Hakuna matata.
Phlegmatic “peace is everything”: reserved, sensible, and dependable. Phlegmatics are supportive, considerate, low maintenance and excellent listeners – the best friend one could have. They don’t experience emotions, positive or negative, with much intensity. Because they are so easy, they tend to go under the radar. They abhor conflict and confrontation, so they take on the role of peacemakers. On the flip side, they are reluctant to face issues that need to be addressed. As they are often content to just be, they can lack motivation to act. Personal mantra: Don’t rock the boat.
What’s your temperament?
You probably identify with one or perhaps two temperaments. It’s very common to have a dominant temperament and a sub-dominant one. For example, I’m melancholic-sanguine while my husband is phlegmatic-phlegmatic with a little more phlegmatic sprinkled on top. If you are having difficulty figuring out your temperament and that of your spouse, the back of the book has an assessment to help you figure it out. Or, you can take a quiz here.
As you can see from the descriptions above, each temperament has its own set of strengths and weaknesses. During the maturity process, each one of us should be developing our natural strengths while at the time tackling our weakness. A wise friend once told me that a mature person is one whose temperament(s) is not clear to others. Such a person has worked hard to overcome his/her natural weaknesses and develop many qualities – those that come naturally and those that do not.
So this affects my marriage how?
Why am I writing about the temperaments in a Marriage Saver post? Because by identifying your own temperament and that of your spouse, you can understand yourself better, in terms of your natural inclinations, motivations and reactions, and your spouse’s as well.
Case in point: as a melancholic, I have a tendency to “globalize” and “fatalize” (is that even a word?) any problem that comes my way. When we were dating, whenever we had a disagreement, I would immediately assume that it was time to break up. As we are now married and I believe that marriage is for life, I don’t pull the ‘break up’ card anymore. My husband is much relieved. But now, if one of my sons fails his math test, I immediately assume he will never become a productive member of society. It’s kind of annoying, right? The good news is, since we both know my melancholic temperament, my husband can just say a code word like “globalizing!”, and I will step away from the ledge. Usually. Or I can check myself as well.
Likewise, my husband has the best of the phlegmatic qualities – he’s steady, reasonable, easy going, loyal, and considerate. He is the rock of the family. On the other hand, he doesn’t experience emotions with much intensity, and is slow to change. My Latin American upbringing had a bit of a hard time with that. But now that I know the temperaments, this makes complete sense. So we appreciate one another for the good qualities that we have, and are more understanding of our weaknesses. There’s none of the “why can’t you just be like…..” type of questions, which can quickly erode the relationship.
But that’s not all!
Of course, a good knowledge of the temperaments is not just helpful to marriages. It has helped me better understand those around me – my relatives, friends, and most importantly, my children (I highly recommend The Temperament God Gave your Kids). I’m appreciating the fact that it takes all kinds of people and personalities to make this world a better place. We need the doers, the thinkers, the networkers, the peacemakers, and everyone in between. We need them all.
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