This fall, hubby and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Boy did that happen fast. Blink and your eyebrows sprout white hairs.
Twenty years is a good time as any to take stock of our life together. So far, we’ve lived through 4 house moves, 5 babies on earth, 2 in heaven, 4 job changes, and many, many trips. Greece, France, Spain, England, Mexico, Scotland, Peru, Italy, and all over Canada and US. Yep, traveling is definitely our weakness.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my 25 yr old self, when I was a doe-eyed bride about to embark on this journey with the love of my life. I remember feeling this sense of excitement, a little trepidation, but mostly confidence. We had chosen one another, we loved one another, and we were entering into a sacrament together. With God on our side, life was going to be amazing.
And it certainly has been. It’s been amazing and exhilarating and overwhelming and hard and never, ever boring. Because self-reflection is both a hobby and a crutch for me, I’ve been pondering on what kind of advice I would give to my younger self.
I would tell that young bride that she really has no idea what she’s getting herself into, and that’s ok. She’s definitely picking the right guy who will love her, protect her and give his life for her and the family they will build. Day in and day out. She should pat herself on the back for acing the husband game. And thank God too.
I would tell her that those kids she wants so, so badly will take their time in coming. But once they arrive, she will feel a love for them that is unfathomable in its depth. They’re going to make her feel ALL the feelings, every day, often before 9am. They’re going to make her grow in ways she didn’t know she had to mature, and it’s going to hurt a lot. And sometimes, or many times, she will want to chuck them out the window and buy a one way ticket out of town. But those times will often coincide with moments when she has to overcome some selfishness inside of her. Or when she really just needs a break.
Those kids will grow up rather quickly, though many days will crawl by. Each phase will be delightful and exasperating in equal measure. They will push all her buttons but they will also say and do things that will fill up her heart with light and laughter. Life will be rich and messy.
I would tell her that seeing her beloved become a father will make her love him even more than she thought was possible. I would tell her that she was right, that the goodness that she always saw in him would infuse their family life with peace and wisdom. And as the years go by, their relationship will change as they change. Sometimes it will be scary because it will feel like they’re growing apart and out of love. There will be dark times and it will shake her world. But if she remembers her vows, as he does, they will work hard to find their way back to each other, each and every time. And their love will continue to deepen and give life.
Sometimes they will need help, and that’s a good thing. They will need help from family, friends, spiritual leaders and professionals. It’ll hurt her pride to ask for help but it will only strengthen the ties to the community. Interdependence is the name of the game.
Finally, I would tell her that even though she has this very clear plan of how life will go, it won’t quite turn out like that. And she’ll have to work so hard to not feel like a failure. One day she will learn that she’s not in control after all. There will be deep disappointments and moments of helplessness. But when she looks back on those moments, she will see that God was asking her to join her sufferings to the Cross, and to give it all to Him. She will slowly but surely learn that the more she gives it up to God, the more peace she will experience. And those dark periods, like the periods of joy and light, are all gifts from God. Expect to be surprised in the most incredible of ways. Don’t lose hope and keep the faith.
I wonder what the next 20 years will bring. God willing, I will share them with my one and only. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Chris, I love growing old with you.
