When I was younger, I used to have mixed feelings about therapy. Growing up, there was certainly a stigma and even skepticism surrounding mental health, with psychology and psychiatry considered the “soft” sciences. Basically, the way out of a bad mental health spell was to keep busy and use that willpower and all would be well.
Well, fast forward many years and a lot of bumps along the road of life, and we found ourselves reeling from a series of unfortunate events over the span of two years. It wasn’t so much the gravity of each event as the velocity at which they hit us. After our last daughter was born, my husband and I finally sat down – and then collapsed. We had tried very hard to keep our family safe and functional, and hadn’t taken the time to process. Eventually we realized that we weren’t able to resolve a number of issues of our own. Or rather, we were circling around the problems like a merry-go-round with no stop button. We needed help.
Around the same time, I attended a virtual seminar on relationships, and I was captivated by the speaker. It turned out that she was a local psychotherapist specializing on individual and couple therapy. My husband and I took that as a sign that we needed to try therapy to help us repair some of the glitches in our marriage.
That was three years ago and we are both so grateful that we made the leap to embrace therapy as part of our health toolkit. Here are some of the things we have learned from our journey with therapy.
Therapy isn’t just for the mentally ill
I’m definitely messy and even messed up, but I’d hazard a guess that most of us are. I think it’s because I’ve been largely able to function as a human being that I never thought I needed to go to therapy. But now, I firmly believe that therapy should be seen as normal as going to a gym to learn how to exercise. Or talking to a nutritionist to learn how to eat better. We don’t have to wait until we suffering from organ failure in order to take care of our physical health. Likewise, we don’t have to wait until we’re delusional or on the brink of divorce to get help. I think I have a pretty solid marriage, but it’s dynamic and in constant need of care. Therapy is helping us with our emotional education – treating those patterns of thoughts, emotions and behaviors which are not necessarily toxic, but that if improved, could make a world of difference with how we view ourselves and relate to others.
There’s no shame in therapy
At the beginning of this journey, I was a bit embarrassed to admit that we needed help. After all, we teach the marriage preparation course at our church. Shouldn’t we have our act together? It was a lesson in humility to accept that we’re very human and that we don’t have all the answers. Once I started confiding in my family and friends, I learned that just underneath the surface, we’re all a little (or a lot) wounded. What’s more, many of us suffer in silence, thinking we’re alone. So this is me raising my hand and sharing with the world that I need help and I want to get better, and that’s a good thing.
For best results, do the work
Just like having a personal trainer is useless if you don’t actually exercise, therapy requires a ton of effort on our part for it to work. And because we’re dealing with thoughts, emotions and actions, let me tell you that this kind of work is no walk in the park. A good therapist will guide you carefully with a series of targeted baby steps so that it doesn’t feel so overwhelming. A commitment to change is a commitment to doing everything in your power to make that happen. It’s scary and it’s hard, but even just the hope of better days ahead makes the process absolutely worth it.
Choose the right therapist for you
This one takes a ton of patience and a no-nonsense approach. Because you’re baring your mind and soul to this person, it is of crucial importance to find someone who understands and respects you and your values. Also, I do believe that there are a million of conflicting types of therapy and advice out there, and some of it can be ineffectual or downright damaging. Asking for referrals from trusted sources and even interviewing potential therapists are helpful ways to finding the right one. Based on our experience with a number of therapists, I’d say that you know after the second appointment if it’s going to work or not. And if it doesn’t, nip it in the bud and move on. The good ones are out there, I promise.
Our journey with therapy continues as we now help our children go through their own struggles. It’s a long, painful and very emotional process, but I’m glad that we have a solid team of resources helping us along the way. We are not alone, and neither are you.
