“Marriage cannot thrive on leftover attention. It has to get your best effort.” Ngina Otiende
When I was pregnant with our first child, my husband and I attended a parenting class. During one of the sessions, the instructor asked the participants – all new or soon-to-be parents – who comes first: your spouse or your child? I smugly answered that my husband comes first, duh. Simple answer. A few months later we welcomed our son. I’ll never forget the first time I laid eyes on my beautiful baby boy. The feeling of elation and overwhelming love was unlike anything I had experienced before. I became utterly and absolutely obsessed with my sweet little baby…and promptly forgot about anyone else, including my husband. Once the newborn fog cleared up, I remembered the question of the parenting instructor and thought, huh. Not so simple an answer after all.
The arrival of children is a key transitional moment in marriage. It is said that every child increases the amount of love within a family, and this is very true. However this doesn’t necessarily mean that the transition is an easy or smooth one. Whereas before you may have had eyes only for your husband, now you have a helpless, albeit super cute mini human who is not shy in demanding every waking and not-so-waking moment of your daily existence. It’s very easy for us moms to become immersed in our children’s needs and wants, even after they cease to be tiny and needy. Why? Because we love our children passionately. Their development and well-being is a source of constant concern and requires great effort. Caring for my children has often left me too drained for anything or anyone else – again, including my wonderful and infinitely patient husband. This is not OK! When I neglect to put my marriage first and before anything and anyone else, nothing, and I mean nothing, goes right. Discontent enters our home and our family life suffers.
Before the children came along, it was easy and effortless to focus my attentions on my hubby. Now that we are blessed with four kids, our lives are busier than ever. Nothing good happens without effort (and that’s a good thing). To put my marriage first, my husband and I must be intentional about it. So here are some things I do to strengthen my marriage:
Make time.
Every single day, no matter how busy we are, we make time for the essentials. We brush our teeth. We eat. We sleep. Making time for our spouse is even more important for our well-being. This could mean waking up before the kids to enjoy a coffee together, or spending a half hour chatting at night after the kiddies go to bed. The important thing is to make this daily couple time a priority rather than a nice-to-do-if-we-have-time event.
It’s the little things that count.
In her book The Surprising Habits of Highly Happy Marriages, author Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed hundreds of highly happy marriages to discover their secrets of success. It turns out that it’s the not the grand gestures that make husbands and wives happy, but rather, the little habits that these couples practice on the daily basis. According to the book, these are the top 5 things that wives can do to please their husbands: notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it; say “you did a great job at ____________”; mention in front of others something he did well; show she desires him sexually and that he pleases her sexually; makes it clear to him that he makes her happy. Lots of good for thought here!
Focus on the positives.
We have a choice to focus on the positives or the negatives in every situation. I make a point to focus on my husband’s many qualities, and I try to be vocal about them – to myself, to him, my children and anyone else who cares to hear. The more I remind myself of how amazing my husband is, the more I know how incredibly blessed I am to be his wife.
Work on the friendship.
My husband is my BFF – my best friend forever. We made a commitment to stay together for life, and we want to enjoy this life. It is vital to continually deepen your friendship by treating each other with kindness, good humor, respect, and affection. Think about how you treat your dearest girlfriends. You probably hug, laugh (and cry) lots, listen attentively and enjoy many good times together. We should be treating our husbands the same way, and more so. Not only will you grow in love, but you will also continue to like each other.
Go on dates – and have fun!
I once heard that the third most important person in your marriage is the babysitter. For many years I balked at the cost of a babysitter. I don’t do that anymore! Going out on dates with my husband refocuses our attentions and renews our relationship. It’s worth every penny of the babysitter’s fee. We also try to do what we used to do before we had children. Last fall we went on a long bike ride, stopping at a beer bistro for lunch. It was so refreshing and fun. I’m not terribly creative in the fun department (my idea of a great time being reading a book by the fire), so I’m open to suggestions!
Go away together.
I join my husband on one of his business trips once a year. I cannot tell you how wonderful these getaways are. They are like mini honeymoons, made all the more precious because our time alone together is limited. We are blessed to have family members who generously offer to take our kids so we can do this. If your extended family is not close by, then I would encourage you to be creative; perhaps you can leave your kids with trusted friends and another time you can care for your friends’ kids. Or, travel to visit your family and then you and your husband escape for a night or two at a nearby hotel. You won’t regret it!
Be affectionate and generous.
My husband is my lover, not my parenting companion. We have to remember to take care of this important aspect in our marriage. Intimacy is the glue that binds – it’s not called the marital bond for nothing! Affection begets affection, so the more we enjoy the marital embrace, the closer and happier we will be with our husbands. Enough said.
Life has taught me that it is absolutely possible to have a joyous, fulfilling marriage – fruit of intentional, continual, loving effort. If you find that your attention to your children distract you from your commitment to your husband, remember the best gift we can give to our children is a happy marriage. Not only will they grow in a secure, loving home, but they will also have the blueprints of a happy marriage. If something in this article touched you, I encourage you to try one, or two or several of these points in your marriage. And let me know if you liked this post in the comments below!
