Last night my husband and I were guest speakers at a fundraising event in our city. The theme of the evening was “The Awesomeness of Marriage”. There were a wide range of married couples in attendance, from engaged to newlyweds to grandparents. It was so wonderful to attend an event which celebrated the beauty of marriage. I’m posting our talk here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
In the beginning
I clearly remember the day that we got married, 14 ½ years ago. We woke up to a rainy and windy fall morning and my cousins quickly rushed to buy all the umbrellas they could find at the local mall. I was remarkably calm until we arrived at the church, and when it was time to walk down the aisle, my father literally had to hold me up – my legs were shaking uncontrollably. Once I met my fiance at the front, peace washed over me and I knew I was going to be just fine. When the ceremony was over and we exited the church, the rain had stopped and the sun was shining – we had our perfect fall wedding day! I took it as an omen of a wonderful marriage to come.
I remember the vows that we made that day. I, Melissa, take you, Chris, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. It was so easy to make that promise. After all, we were young, healthy, in love, full of life and great careers in the making. What a promising future we had ahead of us! With the invincible hope of young newlyweds, I was pretty sure that while we made those vows, we were really going to have a better, richer, healthy marriage.
Well, reality very quickly reared its head, as it’s wont to do. I was homesick during our honeymoon (not the usual reaction you would expect, but it did happen), Chris was laid off the day he returned to work, and I developed ongoing stress issues from a job that I actually hated. We very quickly had to deal with life problems, although pretty minor in the scheme of things. We had to learn to lean on each other through hardships, disappointments and unexpected turns in life, such as struggling with infertility in the first 3 years of marriage. That’s not to say that we didn’t enjoy those early years of our marriage. We certainly did. It was exciting to come home to each other at the end of the day, plan for a family, save for our first house, and travel together.
Still together after all these years
Almost 15 years later, I look back and I realize that marriage was nothing at all like I expected it to be. And that’s a good thing! I’m not the same gal that Chris married (that’s a REALLY good thing) and he’s not the same guy I married. Life has made us grow and change in ways that we couldn’t have foreseen at the beginning, but the sweet thing is that we are growing and changing together, sharing the ups and downs of life together. We have shared incredible moments, such as the births of each of our 4 children, and not-so-incredible moments, such as the terrible twos of each of our 4 children.
There are times when we have been so angry and disappointed with each other that we have wondered in shock where the love had gone. We have also experienced humbling yet redeeming moments of forgiveness, healing and finding that love again. Our love is being forged and strengthened in the fires of daily sacrifice and self-giving – and sometimes we’re kicking and screaming while it’s happening. If there is one message that we could share with all of you today, it is that there is always hope. No matter how challenging marriage can be (and it’s no Hallmark greeting card), you can always rediscover and deepen the love that you have for one another.
We’re by no means experts, but here are some lessons that we have learned so far as a married couple:
Have the right expectations about marriage
I once listened to a TED talk by psychiatrist Barry Schwartz, where he asserted that the “secret to happiness is low expectations.” He was talking about buying blue jeans, and how he was so much happier when he just had one brand and one style to choose from. But I think he may have been on to something! A happy marriage is an ongoing exercise in accepting that you are not always going to get your way, and being ok with letting go of the little things. Focus more on being grateful for the blessings you enjoy and less on the areas where your expectations aren’t being met.
I feel that Hollywood and Disney have done marriages all over a major disservice by selling us on a dangerously flawed idea that if you have found your “soulmate”, then marriage should be easy and effortless. Yes, I believe in living happily ever after — but it takes work. After some years, Prince Charming might get a little round about the waist and lose a bit of hair, and the gentle and beautiful damsel might not always wake up in a great mood, singing with the birds. You are married to a human being who is just as much a work-in-progress as you are. You should expect that you are going to annoy, exasperate and drive each other to the edge of insanity. And it’s ok. You’re not meant to be married to perfection (I think that would suck because then things would always be my fault). Rather, you are meant to help each other become better people, with kindness, patience and understanding.
You’re not always going to be “in love” with each other – not that effortless euphoric feeling of your early relationship anyway. Expect to fall out of love but work to fall back in love again and again. The wooing shouldn’t stop on your wedding day. Many years ago we watched a movie called “Fireproof”. It was about a young couple who had decided to call it quits on their marriage. In fact, she was already courting a relationship with an attentive coworker. One day the husband, who was just as eager to leave the marriage, was given a challenge by his father to show his wife one small act of love a day for a month. These included giving her flowers, buying a small gift and leaving it on her desk at the office, and writing her a love note.
In the beginning the husband was just going through the motions to appease his father, but as the days went by, his heart was slowly changed, and he realized how much he loved his wife, how much he had hurt her, and how much he wanted to save his marriage. It was a cheesy film but the message was incredibly powerful. Sometimes all it takes are small acts of kindness and giving to rekindle the love. I say small, but they are actually huge, because of the courage and humility that they require, and also because of the amazing fruits of those good actions. We may think our hearts are hardened but all it takes is a kind word (or two) for the world to be right again.
My love for my husband today is very different from the love that I had for him on our wedding day. Our early love was full of hope and expectation, but now I’ve seen him sacrifice himself time and time again for me and our family, and stick with me through many moments when I know that I’m not lovable. Sometimes I can’t believe that he’s still around. Married love takes a lot of effort, day in and day out, but the rewards are amazing. Great marriages don’t just happen – you have to make them happen.
Your spouse is your BFF (Best Friend Forever) and your #1
G.K. Chesterton wrote, in his uniquely eloquent way, “Marriage is a duel to the death which no man of honor should decline”. We made a vow to stay together until death do us part, for better or worse. But we should make it “for better” as much as we can. If we have promised to love one another for life, we might as well try to like one another for life. This means working on our friendship – for us it means doing things like speaking kindly and respectfully to one another, listening attentively to each other’s worries, fears and hopes, encouraging and supporting each other’s passions and hobbies, and racking up a lifetime of inside jokes.
It’s crucial to make time as a couple, and quite frankly, it’s a challenge. We have found that the first decades of married life are hectic, to put it mildly. Our kids seem to take up every single of our waking and not-so-waking moments. We’re also working on our careers, we’re managing relationships with extended family, and we’re developing friendships and ties to our community. It’s easy to take your spouse for granted and treat him or her as the person with whom you simply share children and a Google calendar with. Sometimes we are like ships passing each other in the night – especially when all family members are hit violently with the stomach flu at 3am. Digestive emergencies aside, if you have been in this mode for some time and awkwardness has set in, someone (it might as well be you) needs to be the bigger person and take steps to rekindle that friendship. It starts small (such as having coffee ready in the morning, sending her a “how’s it going” text during the day), respect (praising each other, minding your tone), and affection (greeting with other with a kiss, hugging and holding hands).
Make time for each other, however small, either at the beginning or end of the day, and truly focus your attention on the other person. I once heard it say that the babysitter is the third more important person in your marriage, and it couldn’t be more true. It actually took us many years to hire babysitters. But now we treat dates like a necessity as opposed to a bonus, something to do only if there’s enough time and money left. It’s amazing how quickly our relationship resets after spending a couple of hours away from our responsibilities.
I find that the kids, more than anyone or anything else, are in constant competition with Chris for that #1 spot in my life. And yet the kids are the ones who stand to benefit the most if mom and dad put their marriage first. So, we constantly tell the kids that mom is #1 for dad, and dad is #1 for mom. We praise one another in front of them, and we try to be affectionate in front of them (our 11yr old son thinks it’s super gross. He’s not sure he wants to get married because there’s just too much kissing involved). The more we tell them, the more we also remind ourselves of this truth.
Keep the romance alive
My husband is also my lover, not just my co-parent. We have to remember to take care of this important aspect in our marriage. Intimacy is the glue that binds – it’s not called the marital bond for nothing! Affection begets affection, so the more we enjoy the marital embrace, the closer and happier we will be. Chris and I also go away together at least once a year for a week or so. Yes, it can be expensive, and yes, several of our family members are severely impacted for one week a year. But a friend once told me that a getaway trip is cheaper than a divorce. We’ve taken that advice to heart ever since (and we use this line when we start campaigning to our relatives for our next trip). I cannot tell you how wonderful these getaways are. They are better than a honeymoon, because our time alone together is very limited and hard-won. Sometimes our kids resent the fact that we go on trips without them, but we know that we are greatly benefiting them by giving them a happily married mom and dad. And who are we kidding, traveling without kids is amaaaaazing.
When you fight…
Conflict is a normal and expected part of life. When two different people get together for life, it’s inevitable that wills will clash and conflicts will arise. So don’t think that there’s something necessarily wrong with your marriage because you get into a fight – as awful as it feels when you’re in the thick of it. It’s how you fight, though, that will determine the health of your marriage. Chris and I are very different in personality, temperament and for those of you who have read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, we speak different love languages. We see things differently, we react differently, we handle stress differently, and we handle conflict differently. So it’s been a slow process to try to see things from the other’s perspective. But we’ve learned a few things.
We try really hard to let go of the little, mildly annoying things; we each have our own toothpaste. Problem solved! We don’t fight in front of the kids. We try to keep a respectful tone and try to table arguments to a time when we’re not so fired up. We try not to argue when it’s late at night because we’re really stupid when we’re tired. If this means we need to go to bed with unresolved issues, then so be it. Better to do that than to say things that we can’t take back. It’s crucial, however, to then take the time address the issues and work towards resolution. It never, ever works to sweep the issues under the rug to achieve a semblance of peace. Inevitably the issues come back full force and with a vengeance. So it’s always better and easier to work through issues as they arise. We try to look at a conflict as solving a problem together rather than winning the argument for the sake of winning. It’s very much a work in progress; thank goodness we’re in it for the long haul!
What is the awesomeness of marriage?
To me, it’s the privilege to share my life with this amazing man, who shows me every day that I’m the first person in his life. He’s the only person I can be truly vulnerable with. He sees my ugly (every 28-30 days or so) and he still chooses to love me. I live secure in the knowledge that he has my back, come what may. There are so many things in life that I’m unsure about, but I don’t doubt my husband’s love and commitment to our marriage and our family. We have embarked on this incredible life project together, with all its highs and lows – for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I love growing old with this man.
Children are another source of awe in marriage. To see a unique combination of yourself and your beloved is truly awe inspiring. Many of my fondest memories are of simple moments at home where the kids are playing happily together, encouraging each other. In these moments you can really see how the love between the spouses is multiplied many times over with children. These moments are fleeting and all too brief sometimes! And yet they are long lasting. No matter how challenging parenting is, our children are a living reminder that we are building something very special together.
If all goes well, one day in the not-so-distant future our kids will leave our home to make homes of their own. Then, God-willing, we will be back to being just the two of us. While we know that the way is not always going to be paved with roses, it is our fervent hope that we will arrive at this stage as happy lovebirds – probably snowbirds by then, but you get the picture. So here’s to this fantastic adventure called marriage!
