This is a very personal post. Last summer I miscarried our 5th child. Baby would have been born right about this time, so in memory of him or her, I’m sharing the following post, written a few days after our loss.
Over the weekend I suffered a miscarriage in the 12th week of my pregnancy. It was one of the saddest experiences of our lives. This baby came into our lives unexpectedly and left us unexpectedly. Finding out that I was pregnant was a huge shock, and it took me a while to accept the news. But now that the baby has left us, there is pain, grief and a hole in our hearts. We hope and we pray with that one day we will meet this sweet baby in Heaven. But in the meanwhile, we mourn our loss.
We are trying to make sense of it all. Before becoming pregnant, we thought our family was complete. We had started to make new plans and dreams. As our youngest is approaching 3 years of age, I was looking forward to graduating from the baby phase. I gave away the baby stuff. We dreamed of spending a few months in a Spanish-speaking country. We planned to go on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem in a few years’ time. I had started investing some time to projects outside the home.
When we found out we were expecting, I confess that it took me some weeks to come to terms with it. I was surprised and just a little resentful, not to mention mildly petrified. How could we welcome a new life when we were still feeling maxed out? My husband, always the better half, was also surprised, but he welcomed the news as he always has – with love and excitement. Slowly I began to feel excited as well. Our children, with the enviable simplicity and awe of their youth, greeted the news with pure delight. They talked to the baby, read to the baby and gave a blessing to the baby every night. They made their baby plans and they were not shy in sharing the news to anyone and everyone they encountered. I realized, as I always have before, what a blessing this baby would be for us.
And now…this. We wonder why God brought this baby into existence only to take him/her away from us so soon and so suddenly. My husband is heartbroken but trying very hard to keep it all together. Husbands and fathers have to be so strong and stoic. He told me that he had new dreams and hopes he didn’t even know were there, and now they are gone. All those previous dreams and hopes seem to have lost their flavor. Perhaps not forever, because time is a wise healer, but for now, it seems silly to feel excited about traveling and such.
And yet, in the midst of our sadness and grief, our baby’s departure brought about an unbelievable amount of love and kindness. When I realized I was miscarrying, my husband and 2 older boys were away at a camp, about 2.5 hrs away. My dad cared for my little ones while I went to ER. My sisters accompanied me during the long, long wait there. When my husband and sons found out, their camp friends rallied together to pray for us. A kind father at camp drove Chris and the boys back that night, and my sister picked them up to bring them to the hospital. My parents have taken the kids for the week so I can heal well. Our friends and relatives have reached out to us with so much love, prayers, and meals. We have been surrounded and overwhelmed with so much love and goodness! These consolations have given us much strength and peace.
My parents and sisters have proven the priceless love of family. To young couples out there, if you are afraid to be open to life, don’t be! Have children, and give those children siblings. I don’t know what I would have done without my parents and sisters. My husband has shown, once again, his unconditional love for me and his family. To see him mourn the loss of our baby is heartbreaking and yet it’s made me fall in love with him all over again. I thank God for giving me such an incredible man to share my life with. I don’t wish for any couple to go through this pain, but this experience has increased our love for one another. For this I am grateful.
In the briefest amount of time, this baby has already made a beautiful difference and has touched so many lives. And in this I find meaning to this sadness. We now belong to a large community of families with unborn babies in Heaven. It is not a happy membership, but it is one I am proud to belong to. One day, with God’s grace and mercy, when we get to Heaven, we will meet this precious member of our family. What a joyous reunion it will be!
