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Have you heard about the Love Languages? Dr. Gary Chapman crystallized the concept in his iconic book The Five Love Languages. Seriously, every couple should own this book. It holds very important truths about how to love our spouses. My only regret is that it took us 10 years of marriage to find out about it!
Dr. Chapman explains that every person “speaks” one (or two) of five love languages. This means that there is a preferred way in which we feel loved and express love. The five love languages are:
Gifts. Say “I love you” with a bouquet of flowers…or a nice cold beer. Big gifts are awesome but small, meaningful tokens as just as precious.
Words of affirmation. It’s all about the praise and encouragement, and saying “I love you” lots and lots. This person feels loved when he or she is verbally affirmed.
Acts of service. Nothing warms the heart like doing the dishes or taking out the trash for this person.
Physical touch. Hugs, caresses, holding hands, foot rubs, kisses…affection is the key to this person’s heart.
Quality time. Regular dates, going for walks, enjoying a little getaway. This person treasures time spent together.
You probably have a dominant language and subdominant one. If you’re in the dark about what language you and your hubby speak, you can take the Learn your Love Language quiz on the author’s website. Here’s the kicker — it’s highly likely that you and your spouse speak different love languages. Super fun! This is probably because opposites attract and all that jazz. Often, and naturally so, we love the way we want to be loved. So a gifts-oriented husband could buy beautiful dozen roses for his beloved, who really would prefer for him to clean the toilets as an act of love. Without understanding this dynamic, the husband could end up feeling unappreciated for his roses while the wife resents the husband because he never. cleans. the. toilets.
The solution, then, is learn what each of our love language(s) is, and then do our best to show love the way our spouse wants to be loved. Dr. Chapman calls this “filling up the love tank”. It’s a super cheesy term, but now it’s become a key phrase for my husband and me whenever one of us falls off the love expression wagon. It takes some work to learn a new language, but in the end it makes us happier, more fulfilled spouses. Marriage is often about making the effort to meet one another where we’re at. To love another person the way he or she needs to be loved is to grow in generosity, service, and love. Who wouldn’t want to be married to a generous, serviceable, loving person?
