Hello dear blog, how are you? It’s been forever since I paid any attention to you. I had grandiose visions of dedicating more time to my little blog over the summer. I thought that not homeschooling meant more time for other things, like writing. Isn’t there a Yiddish proverb that goes Man plans, God laughs? Wise words.
In many ways, the summer was amazing. In July, the big boys enjoyed summer camps and camping trips with Dad. We started a few renovations to improve the main floor of our home. The hubby and I even enjoyed a romantic weekend getaway.
In August, we traveled to our annual Family Camp in Quebec, which is always a highlight. Then we embarked on a long (but fun!) road trip to the beautiful island of Prince Edward Island (PEI). We had visited PEI 20 years ago with our friends and always dreamed of taking our kids there one day. We rented a spacious house with my sister and her family, and spent two glorious weeks enjoying the wonders of the island – the gorgeous beaches, the fresh seafood and of course, Anne of Green Gables.
Somewhere in the middle of the summer I found out that I was pregnant. My husband and I were cautiously optimistic but our kids met the news with the unbridled enthusiasm of, well, kids. They are old enough to appreciate how much joy a baby would bring to the home. I spent our vacation feeling tired, nauseous, and anxious. Anxious because of our previous loss, and because I knew that I wasn’t that tired and nauseous.
A week after returning from PEI and a week before the official start of school, I sadly miscarried our baby. While I wasn’t surprised, we were more heartbroken than the first time. Our kids were very disappointed; breaking the news to them is not an experience I’d like to repeat anytime soon. Due to complications I ended up in the hospital and once again our family and friends rallied around us with child care, food, prayers and love.
I’m trying to figure out the lesson in all this. In my head and in my heart I know that this baby is now in heaven with his/her sibling, awaiting the day when we can all embrace one another and rejoice. I’m also sad, empty and a little angry. So is my husband, who has always received the news of a pregnancy with elation and hope. And now our children are grieving too. I know these are all good and necessary life lessons, but while it’s happening, it just plain sucks.
So I’ve been convalescing and we’re starting our school year a little late. I had great academic ambitions for the upcoming year, but my health requires me to take things slowly. My morning routine is nowhere to be found, and I don’t remember the last time I exercised. There’s an underlying sadness that permeates my day. I have hope that I’ll find my normal again, but these are difficult things to accept. Like accepting that this might be the end of the childbearing part of our marriage.
I suppose the greater lesson here is that we’re really not in control. God is. And while we may not understand the wisdom of His ways, we have to trust that it is the right way. These are not just empty words that I console myself with. Amidst all the suffering, we have experienced beautiful graces along the way. Our family and friends have showered us with love and concern. Our children have helped us in ways that I had previously only dreamed of. We have grown closer as a family. And despite the hardships, I have a husband and children who would still really love a baby in the family. Which may sound crazy, but I think is sweet.
Yes, there is love in sadness.
Melissa, my heart goes out to you! I know only too well all the sentiments you feel over the loss of your little one – disappointment, anger, emptiness, and grasping for faith. And yes, there is the sadness that the chapter of childbearing may be coming to a close. I pray that in all of this you will somehow, mysteriously, come to know God’s incredible love for you and your beautiful family.
Thank you so much, Marylou! The love, prayers and support of our friends have held us up during these sad times.