Ok, maybe “hate” is too strong a verb. It’s more like “10 things I struggle with and would like to get better at”, but it’s not quite as catchy. The simple truth is, for all the amazing things that homeschooling brings to the table, it’s super hard. I have wanted to quit so many times that it’s become a bit of a (tiresome) joke for my husband. Some seasons I feel like it’s nothing but struggles. Struggling to get the kids going in the morning. To get them to start their school work. To focus on their schoolwork. To stop picking fights. To get their feet off the table and their fingers out of their noses. All the while, the dirty dishes are piling up, the fridge is empty and I don’t remember the last time I exercised.
Most of all, I struggle with overwhelm and self-doubt. Sometimes I hit rock bottom and curl up into a little ball on my bathroom floor. These are the bad days, and I’ve had my share of them. Indeed, burnout is an experience that I’m intimately familiar with. I’m not surprised that it’s one of the most popular topics at homeschooling conferences and forums. At least I’m not alone. Sometimes the pressure that we moms place on ourselves is just too much, and we crack. Or I do anyway. But when I have some time to breathe and reflect on why I burn out, I realize that there are things that I can do to prevent Armageddon.
So here’s my personal list of homeschooling challenges. I’m also including what I’m doing to address each challenge, because I’d like this post to be ranty but still hopeful.
Strain on marriage. While the next challenges are written in no particular order, the health and happiness of my marriage comes first. A lot of moms struggle because their husbands are not on board with homeschooling. I am extremely fortunate that my husband is my greatest cheerleader, supporter and promoter. Where my struggle lies is how much I expend myself during the day, leaving not much of myself for my husband at night. I have a very understanding husband, but months and months of living with an exhausted wife will cause a strain in the best of marriages.
Remedy: I am slowly learning to walk the talk and try my hardest to put my husband first. This includes weekly walks and monthly date nights. It also involves making a concerted effort to not exhaust myself during the day. I’m scheduling alone time during the day to recover my energy. We’re also also trying to go to bed early, because, you know…
Self-doubt. I’m fortunate because I don’t have any family and friends who outright disapprove of my decision to homeschool. Sure, there are dissenting voices out there, but why should everyone agree with our decision? I am by far my biggest enemy when it comes to homeschooling. I am the one who is constantly doubting whether this is the right path for our family. It’s not because I don’t believe that homeschooling is a great way to educate one’s children. I doubt my own ability to do a good job, to the point that I can sabotage our family mission.
Remedy. I need confidence. I need to shut off that annoying voice inside my head and stop caring about what I think of me. We have researched our educational choices a great deal and have decided that homeschooling is the best fit for our family. So I need to stay calm, pray hard and stay the course. At the end of the day, we love our children fiercely and although we will make many mistakes, we will do our very best for them.
Parenting on steroids. All the stuff that is hard about parenting happens with more intensity here. As their mom and teacher, I’m trying to teach them character, faith, academics and manners all throughout the day. At times my pupils are willing, but oftentimes they’re not. And the fighting drives me nuts! As a melancholic pessimist, I tend to focus only on each child’s weaknesses, which can throw me into a dark downward spiral of the ‘OH MY GOSH THIS CHILD WILL LIVE IN MY BASEMENT FOREVER’ kind.
Remedy. Hm. I need to chill? Perhaps try patience and optimism? That’s definitely part of it. I need to accept my kids are still baking in the oven. Of course they are not yet the kind, mature, selfless, hard working adults I want them to be. And that’s ok, because growing up takes time and parenting is a long game. On the flip side, homeschooling gives me endless upon endless opportunities to parent them better. I mess up a ton but giving up is not an option, so I try again the next time.
Feeling solely responsible for all areas of my children’s development. I often feel it’s on me to make sure that the kids excel academically, spiritually, physically, socially, blah blah blah. If a particular child struggles in a particular area, I blame myself. It must be that I picked the wrong curriculum, I’m teaching it wrong, or pressured too much, or not insisted enough. Just look at all the holes in their education! This is, without a doubt, the number one reason for my repeated burnouts.
Remedy. Can you sense a theme here? I freak out a lot. Quite simply, this is about having the right mindset and expectations. I have to accept that I’m not in control, that all I can do is try to give them the best environment to learn and thrive. I’m learning that my children’ successes or failures are not of my doing. When a child struggles, it is an opportunity for growth for both of us, and that suffering is part of the experience. There’s no need to get fatalistic about it. This too shall pass. Also, there’s no way any educational system can teach them everything there is to learn. And that’s ok, because learning is a lifelong journey.
Just because I like to teach it, it doesn’t mean my kids like to learn it. Homeschooling is crazy humbling. I had all these beautiful fantasies that I would be able to share my passions with my kids, and that they would be perfect little sponges, eager to learn. I even had visions of my children being “ahead” of other kids. The truth is quite different. School is work, work is dull, and let’s just get this over with so we can go back to our regularly scheduled free time.
Remedy. Who needs to learn how to write – it’s overrated. Just kidding! Receiving a good education is not a value that is inherently appreciated by children, although I have every hope that one day they will get it. The truth is, my boys would much rather build forts all day. I’m learning to give us grace in the academic areas that are challenging. When a particular subject really isn’t working, I look for a better approach. Or, we take a break. I’m also accepting that I’m not the best teacher for everything. If I need to outsource a subject to more experienced teachers, then I do.
Having the children with me all day can be exhausting. Being on constant parenting/teaching mode can leave me shrivelled up like a dried shiitake mushroom at the end of the day. When there are multiple tantrums rocking the house, or every single child demands my attention at the same time, for the upteenth time, I just want to run for the hills.
Remedy. In order to care for my children well, I need to take good care of myself. This has been a hard lesson but one that I now wholeheartedly embrace. Self-care needs to happen on a regular basis, not just once a year when I go to the hairdresser. For me, at this stage in my life, self-care involves waking up way before the kids to drink hot coffee, pray and exercise. After the school day is done, my preschooler goes down for a nap and the other kids are happy to be rid of mom. I’m trying to use some of this time to rest and restore my energy levels. This exhaustion is particularly acute with very small children. As my kids get older and become more independent, I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m not finding the days as excruciatingly tiring as before.
Blaming homeschooling if my kid behaves oddly. I’m one of those homeschooling parents who actually worries about socialization. It’s probably because I worry about everything. When (not if) a child of mine does something awkward or embarrassing, I blame our homeschooling for depriving the kids of proper social skills.
Remedy. Kids are kids are kids. My husband leads a variety of children groups through scouts and camping trips. He assures me that other kids are just as quirky as ours, whether they are homeschooled or not. So maybe I just need to hang out with more kids! This is also a big lesson in humility for me, because I often treat my kids’ behavior as a reflection on my ability as a homeschooling parent. Sometimes I get angry at the kids because they embarrass me, and that’s not fair to them. So, I continue to work on their manners and social graces but understand that kids are, well, quirky.
Teaching the older ones with little ones afoot. I have not mastered this art yet. There are many who have. Many wise moms schedule their day so that some of the older kids play with the little ones while mom focuses on a particular child, and vice versa. I prefer to focus on the academics in the morning as I don’t like the school day to go on forever. Of course, this is when the little kids are at their most energetic as well. As a result, I often have the little kids vying for my attention right when I’m trying to teach. This causes frustration all around.
Remedy. For a couple of years, when I had a baby and a toddler, I hired a babysitter in the mornings. It wasn’t cheap, but it was a worthy investment in my mental health and well-being of our homeschool. Now that my youngest is 3, I take her to the local Y for a morning drop-off program. During this precious time, I spend individual time with each school-age child, assigning them independent work for when she returns home. This arrangement will likely change next year when my daughter begins school, but I will cross that bridge when we get to it. The important thing is to have a plan in place to avoid a chaotic learning environment.
Often feeling that I’m neglecting something – cooking, housework, or kids. In the early years I would often feel flustered that I couldn’t clean the house or cook because there was always a kid who needed my attention. When I started homeschooling, I would try to sneak in some housework or cooking when I was supposed to be teaching. Of course I would be interrupted, and I would resent the kids for getting in the way. The result was a frazzled mom, frustrated kids, and nothing getting done well – not the teaching, cooking or cleaning.
Remedy. I am learning to organize myself better and focus on the task at hand. I am trying to be intentional about what I am doing at any particular moment. In the early morning, I focus on getting breakfast and morning chores done. During school hours, I focus on the kids. If there are dirty dishes in the sink, they wait until after school is over. I try not to check my phone. Once school is done, I have some rest time, run errands, do whatever housework needs to happen, and then focus on dinner. After dinner, it’s time to focus on my husband. It’s not perfect, but the point is that more intentional I am about how to use my time, the less people and things get neglected.
Burning out. When I feel overwhelmed, hopeless, exhausted and devoid of joy, I know I have reached burnout phase. The days are gray and I’m dragging myself through the motions of daily life. Strangely enough, when this happens I dig in my heels and push the kids even harder in their schoolwork. It’s like I want them to be as miserable as I am. I stop asking for advice, help, and encouragement from my good friends. Basically, I stop doing all the things which could help me get out of burnout. Trust me, it’s not pretty.
Remedy. The topic of burnout deserves its own blog post. In short, my husband gets the credit for getting us through my dark times. When burnout appears, he puts a hold on school until I replenish my sanity cup. I usually balk at the suggestion because we MUST FINISH THE SPELLING WORKBOOK BY JUNE. But, my husband reminds me that homeschooling would be a detrimental exercise during these times. Often, taking a week off is enough to get me past the lowest point. Having experienced burnout one too many times, I’m searching for ways to homeschool in a way that is edifying and enjoyable. Currently, I’m following Bonnie Landry at Oh, That’s Simple. She has a wonderful approach to homeschooling with joy.
Looking over this list, I realize that these challenges are not specific to homeschooling. It’s not like not homeschooling would make my problems disappear. As much as I dislike the constant struggling, I am grateful (kinda) for the endless opportunities that I am given to grow in love, patience, wisdom and most importantly, trust in God. After all, like all good things in life, if it was easy, it probably wouldn’t be worth doing.
What about you – what are your greatest homeschooling challenges, and what are you doing to overcome them?
